I don't know how to start this blog post its the hardest piece I have ever had to write !
The purpose of this post is for others going through the same I have been going through , not to feel alone its not meant in any malice to anyone but a reference to how I feel and what has happened in my life.
To start off - depression runs in my family , it first got hold of me when I was at high school people mocking me because I had ( ginger hair ) but was brunette , every day for the next 5 years sorry I can't remember the correct amount of time I try to blank it out , I was called names such as ginger nut , ginger plum and so on even been attacked by one other girl. I know her name and see her pictures on my old school mates news-feeds I am not one to hold a grudge, but I will never forget the pain and torment she inflicted upon me and my family . Not sure if it was all to do with I had a very happy childhood and was spoilt rotten by my mum & dad, I always had to hand the things I needs new clothes, food, nice house just a very good upbringing - something I could not help its just how my family was but the other girl did not have much but that's not my fault and no excuse to do the thing she did to me its just how it is.
I never even did or said anything wrong was always pleasant did not swear at others , a totally unproved physical and mentally attack on me.
It's even worse, now a day with all the social network sites I know from the news a few have commented suicide over bullies and I know why and how they feel that way to do so.
Towards the end of my school years Is ware I did try a few times to kill myself ( sorry this is very hard for me ) I did this through tables as I suffer from chronic migraines 24/7 every day. on opiates such as codeine & tramadol I was very luck looking back nothing too serious harm and now I can't even take tablets, such as them because I am allergic to them as I get worse headaches especially with codeine I used to get codeines builds up headaches.
I did eventually go to my GPs about my depression and was put on medication for it.
After school and getting all my G.C.S.Es I embarked on beauty therapy when to college, I got all my beauty therapy level 2 , body massage. I did find it very hard and was struggling with can I do this and still thinking I can't go on as our family found out my brother had crohns disease and was not sure now that was going to go as we are a very close little family.
Was struggling with my beauty nvq as I did round 7 partial test one day and my tutor said come to me next week and will sign them off bare in mind I only had those ones left to finish my course so came back next week to find the tutor had left and was asked just to nip in as the tutor did promise to sign them off well guess what she never did. I was absurdly gutted as I got all my clients to come in I was going to have to go over it all again and this took me into a very unhappy downwards spiral going back to taking too many tablets once again I could not help it.
Eventually, like I said previously got all my beauty qualifications.
Did start going more advance beauty courses, but I wanted a change so I now am an RDN, which is a registered dental nurse to this day I still am and loving it :)
My brother soon was very ill we did almost lost him , he has had so many operations as his illness is from his mouth to his bottom and still on going and having more & more opss in 2014.
Lots of other problems have occurred, but I could be here all year if I was to go through it all so it's just bits of my life.
I met the love of my life on February 16, 2008- yes on match.com and we will be celebrating our 6 year together in feb.
Me and my partner (Jonathan) soon got settled into our new home and I become pregnant in June 2009 but was soon not to be as we suffered a miscarriage on
13/07/09 that's the day I had a scan about finding out the baby or (fetus) was on its way out of my body naturally as I was only around 7 weeks but it still hurt to loose something we had been trying for.
I was not right for a few weeks, but something inside gave me the strength to say "NO" I will not let this get the better of me, I don't know if it was my tablets kicking in or the will power of I will try again so we did and found of out around October 2009 I was pregnant, we were very happy but a little curious.
I was 12 weeks pregnant round November the 14th 2009 on the 27th we got some bad news my mothers mum had passed away my Gran. She had Alzheimer's my gran did have breast cancer, but thank goodness she beat that side of it, unfortunately on my dads (dad) did not and I watched him pass away when I was a little. Later, my dad's mother passed away as well.
I was not having a very good pregnancy as I just kept getting water infection after water infection I must of had round 7 of them and the water infection would become my nemesis soon.
January 13, 2010 20weeks scan.
Looking at my precious little daughter all hooked up just shows how vunerable Millie was and close to death. Millie ended up on CPAP machine.
The usual treatment is to insert a shunting device. It is important to note that this does not ‘cure’ the hydrocephalus and damage to the brain tissue remains. Shunting controls the pressure by draining excess CSF, so preventing the condition becoming worse. Symptoms caused by raising pressure usually improve but other problems of brain damage will remain.
The device is completely enclosed so that all of it is inside the body. The fluid which is drained into the abdomen passes from there into the bloodstream. Other drainage sites such as the outer lining of the lungs (ventriculo-pleural shunt) can also be used.
These vary enormously between individuals. Previous personal experience of a shunt problem is often a reliable guide as to what to look for.
Possible signs of chronic shunt blockage may include: fatigue, general malaise, visual problems, behavioural changes, decline in academic performance, being just ‘not right’ from the carer’s point of view.If a shunt blockage is suspected, medical advice should be sought from your neuro-surgical unit within four hours of acute symptoms starting. In shunt infections, symptoms vary with the route of drainage.
In ventriculo-peritoneal shunts, the symptoms often resemble those of a blockage. This is because the shunt becomes infected and the lower catheter is very often then sealed off by tissue. There may be accompanying fever and abdominal pain or discomfort or redness over the shunt site.
In ventriculo-atrial shunt infections, fever is present in most cases though often intermittently. Anaemia is frequently present, and sometimes skin rashes, along with joint pains. In contrast to ventriculo-peritoneal shunts, such infections may not appear for months or years after the operation when they were contracted. Various tests can be carried out for shunt infections and medical advice should always be sought if an infection is suspected. How are shunt problems treated?
Shunt blockages which are causing illness usually require an operation to replace or adjust the affected part of the shunt. Shunt infections are usually treated by removal of the whole shunt and a course of antibiotics before insertion of a new system. Modern approaches to antibiotic therapy mean that such treatment can be expected to succeed, in most cases.
We dried our eyes and had some water, our mouths where so dry but our body’s where sweating from the stress of it all. We put a brave face on and went back to see Millie in her incubator.
Day by dad Millie’s head was getting bigger; this seemed to go on forever and ever each day seeing her head getting big. Finally after a few weeks we got the call that Embrace Transport Service was coming over to take Millie to another hospital.
About them / Embrace provides a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, critical care transport service for critically ill neonatal and paediatric patients in the Yorkshire and Humber region. We are located near junction 37 of the M1 from where they can respond quickly to referrals from clinicians throughout the region.
They kept testing the fluid in her head to see the pressure and if it was clear this carried on for about a week to two week drawing of fluid and it was not working, Millie’s head was still growing way to quickly, we were told by the nuro surgeons Millie would have her first surgery to put a access device in her head. this was also do draw fluid off they were hoping this one might settle her head down.
Bit about the access device --In selected patients a ventricular access device (otherwise known as an “Ommaya reservoir”) is placed in the right frontal region for ICP monitoring or treatment of infections These cannot be flushed or assessed in any way by palpation, but provide the facility for potentially lifesaving percutaneous aspiration of CSF in the event of acutely raised ICP. This can be done by any clinician in this situation and simply involves the passing of a butterfly needle through the skin perpendicular to the surface of the skin at the apex of the dome of the reservoir, until a “pop” is felt. Elective sampling of reservoirs or shunts should preferably be carried out by a neurosurgeon.
So Millie was taken to surgery a few days later on the 22/04/10 never felt so sick in my life. Millie was taken over to the surgery unit we met the anaesthetist and saw the nuro surgeons, they let us in the little room to sign all the papers and to kiss Millie goodbye and good luck, I ended up in tears thinking I would never see my daughter again. Jonny and I went done to the Costa lounge, we were not Hungry it was mainly to keep us occupied and also with a few crappy magazines.
The porters came for Millie just like last time to take her to the theatre room, it was like repeating the other time again, but this time we knew this was more serious and was not sure if she would make it this time round. With all the papers been signed again a few days before and consultants told us what was going to happen and been done regarding Millie’s VP shunt. We when to the surgical ward where we said our good buys to her and this time we did not know if we would see our baby daughter again. Jonny and I both kissed Millie and told her we loved her, Tears shed again by us both when parting from Millie’s side.
We waited in the parent lounge for about 15 mines and I saw the doors come open and Millie in her incubator, she looked so fragile and pale, but that the time was just glad she had made it .
Millie has a Community Nurse , outreach nurse , physiotherapist , paediatrician, orthoptist, health visitor, occupational therapist , consultant surgeon, speech and language therapist, dilatation , specialist shoe person, hydrocephalus nurse and many many more in her care team.
1) Blocked and /or infected shunt- increasing head size, tense fontanelle. Fever with no other obvious cause. Drowsiness/irritabity/
We have a open access to Leeds neonatal surgery ward 48 which I have to say we have used a lot of times with Millie. All thank god were false alarms.
A negative result on the fFN test means it's highly unlikely that you'll give birth in the next week or two, which can set your mind at ease and allow your practitioner to hold off on treatments that may not be needed. A positive result, on the other hand, is not as useful. It means you're at a higher risk of giving birth early, but it doesn't guarantee that you're about to give birth or that you'll deliver early at all, so it won't help your practitioner decide how to manage your situation.
If you're having symptoms of preterm labor, your practitioner may also order an ultrasound to see whether your cervix is effacing (thinning out). During true labor, the cervix effaces and dilates (opens) so your baby can come out. If your cervix doesn't appear to be changing, it's another sign that you're not in labor.
I was still having contractions I could feel and see them on the monitor it was all coming back again all I could think was how on earth could I cope but it did not sure if it was Adeline or he drugs.
I was eventually allowed home on the 26th of April as the contractions had stopped for now they did say if you go into prem labour on this one they would not stop it.
Did have a few problems after this having an emergency appointments as baby is engaged and is 3/5 lots of niggles/ contractions also finding out I was anemic.
Lost my plug on 30th May - went to midwifes the next day and was fully engaged.
Was admitted to hospital in labour on the 6th of June and had my baby boy Alife on the 7th June 2012 12.10 am 38+2 weight 7 lbs and 13 0z.
It was some form of postnatal depression, but not the text book one as I had a love for my son and you find with the classic postnatal depression you don't form a bond but I did so was a little worried.
To this day never to sure what the proper name or what I was going through was.
I have settled down a lot with my depression for a long time now having it under control until the other day in 2014.
On a lot of social networks as being a mummy blogger its how we promote products and sites ect.
I have my own personal fb page at first It was only for close friends and family but I did opened it up to some fellow social net work people (I am not naming anyone that's why its a bit random ) can I just say my profile is NOT public.
So not long back I posted a picture of a very health and safety issue to raise awareness that a certain item shouldn't be used in that way. None of my proper friends had a go at me it was a few of people from social networks who I don't know from Adam and was only added a week before so they don't not much about me but I got called "nasty" for putting a pictured up and being judgemental. As one would be I was very upset I could not hold back the tears when all I was wanting to do is make other people aware that that item was not to be used in that way.
Once again for the first time in a long time I wanted to give in I just felt so upset that someone who does not know me and what I have been through and still am for the rest of my life could be like that. No way am I trying to hurt anyone with this or if anyone saw it its purely the fact I am making if others are going through this one thing I would like to say -
You're Not Alone
As all I ever do is for other people I set up my page all to do with my daughter and to help others I run competitions which 90% are out of my money.
For this Christmas I went down to my local SCBU and gave them lots of goodies I had bought for the babies on the unit.